Harry Potter and the Secret of the Chamberpots
by Henry Rettop
Summary: Harry Potter encounters a strange presence at Hogwarts...yes, stranger than the Basilisk folks...not really horror unless you're afraid of mice...read! read! review! review!


*~*~*Harry Potter and the Secret of Chamberpots*~*~*  
  
Written regretfully by: Henry Rettop and gleefully by: Cindy Regnarg  
  
A/N: The above stated author is not responsible for any insanity or any of the following side effects from reading this piece. Possible side effects  
include:  
  
Nausea  
  
Sudden Paleness in the Face  
  
Constant Fatmousiephobia  
  
Sudden disregard for clothing  
  
Shock  
  
Sudden Gas  
  
Diarrhea  
  
Sudden loss of appetite  
  
AIDS  
  
And possibly DEATH  
  
So.enjoy the story!  
  
CHAPTER I  
  
Hello World!!  
  
It was a usual sunny day at Hogwarts. Harry walked into the Great Hall beaming. He sat down next to his best buddy, Ron Weasley and Hermione, his sort of adviser/tutor friend shoved the week's schedule in Harry's face.  
  
"Look! Double Potions with evil Snape and the wicked Slytherins! First thing today!" cried Hermione, frantically.  
  
"Oh no, whatever shall we do?" whimpered Ron, wringing his hands.  
  
"I know!" cried Harry triumphantly. "I'll get my dad's old cloak out and then we can sneak around the school doing suspicious things leading to a great climax at the end including me in a heated battle with my nemesis, Voldemort who I must either murder or be murdered by!" Harry finished.  
  
"That's an excellent idea, Harry," said Ron. "Only, we should fit in some places where I make a bad spell or tell a hilarious joke and ending in a great, bold, loyal act towards you and Hogwarts!".  
  
"Inspired idea, Ron and Harry!" loyally cried Hermione. "Only, don't forget to include parts where my outstanding intelligence proves helpful and saves Harry's life! And many parts where reading 'Hogwarts, a History' comes in handy." finished Hermione with a nod.  
  
Harry and Ron both nodded broad grins and the trio skipped off towards the Gryffindor Common Room. On their way there, they ran into the pesky poltergeist, Peeves.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Hermione. "It's Peeves! The pesky poltergeist that haunts Hogwarts and bother poor children!"  
  
"Whatever shall we do?" asked Ron.  
  
"I know!" cried Harry, triumphantly. And with that he pointed his wand at Peeves and bellowed several different spells which each, for some reason, resulted in the victim being thrown back a few feet, each time with a different sort of flip.  
  
The great battle ended in Peeves in a heap in the corner and Harry suddenly with smudges of dirt all over and quite courageous-looking.  
  
"Oh Harry! You're our hero!" cried Hermione, running up to Harry and throwing her arms around him. She turned to Ron and started to hug and then it turned into a nervous-looking handshake. Cute music plays and the camera pans around the corridor.  
  
Suddenly, we see the Hufflepuff common room and Hanna Abbot and Ernie Macmillan bending mysteriously over a bubbling potion. "MWHAHAHHAAA" they cry evilly together.  
  
Back at the common room, Ron, Harry, and Hermione are bending under the cloak and sneaking out from under the fat lady's portrait. They make their way until, in the Charms corridor when Mrs. Norris sneaks out from behind a statue and glares at the trio as if she knows something and runs away to call her master.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Hermione. "It's Mrs. Norris! Filch's sneaky cat!"  
  
"Whatever shall we do?" asked Ron, wringing his hands.  
  
"Run!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Great idea!" said Ron.  
  
"Inspired!" added Hermione.  
  
"Thank you. You guys are the best friends a wizard could have." Said Harry.  
  
The trio looked warmly at each other for a couple minutes then ran away. They were on their way to the great Oak doors, to visit Hagrid and see if they could annoy him with mysterious and suspicious questions.  
  
They were almost to the doors when a big, brown, furry blob jumped in front of them. At first, they thought it was Hagrid. Then, they realized it was some sort of giant mouse! It was about as tall and wide as Hagrid and had big floppy brown ears that had chunks taken out of them as if it had been in a fight. Neither Harry, Ron, or Hermione knew for sure whether this giant mouse was a boy or a girl, but it was wearing a very skimpy, red sequined dress, and it looked like a miracle that all that mousy, chubbiness was shoved in that tiny little thing. It smiled evilly, parting its lips with saliva hanging in between. It did not have many teeth, and the ones it had were all crooked and yellow. It had big eyes and long eyelashes which it batted every once in a while. When it spoke, it was like a sickening squeak a crossed with a sort of rumble.  
  
"Oooh hoo hoo.." it, er..squeaked. "Going somewhere?"  
  
"Hey! You're not supposed to see us!" cried Harry. "We're under my dad's old invisibility cloak!"  
  
The mousy creature simply slurped up the cloak. "Mmmm..tasty!" it squeaked  
  
"RUN FOR IT!" shouted Ron. The trio screamed and ran towards the potions dungeons. The mousy creature pulled the robes off an innocent, passing by Ravenclaw on her way to Herbology and put it on, over the dress. The Ravenclaw screamed and ran into the girls bathroom. The mouse followed. There were screams from the bathroom and then the mouse emerged with a ponytail hanging from its mouth.  
  
It slurped it up and looked at the trio and said. "Delicious." The trio screamed again and ran towards Potions. The mouse followed them into the classroom and sat down next to them.  
  
Throughout the class, the mouse kept bending over and looking Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and batting its eyes passionately at them.  
  
Professor Snape roamed the class, criticizing various students and praising Draco on their sleeping draughts. When the poor professor, who's fate we all know, got to the mousy creature, he wrinkled his nose in disgust.  
  
"That is not a perfect sleeping draught!" Snape criticized.  
  
"Oh really?" giggled the mousy creature as it picked Snape's nose and ate it.  
  
"That's it! Five points from-what house are you from?" bellowed Snape, pulling his nose away from the hungry creature.  
  
"Ohh, ho, ho!" giggled the mousy creature. "THIS house! Aarg gulpity slurp!" and it slurped the professor right in front of the class.  
  
The mousy stumped his way to the front of the classroom, putting on Snape's hat. "I'm the professor now, ooh hoo hoo! Got that? Hooo hoo hoo!" it squeaked.  
  
"Hey you can't do that!" called Pansy Parkinson among the crowd of frowning Slytherin faces.  
  
"Oh dear me.. Can't I?" giggled the mouse, rubbing its stomach.. And with that, the mousy thing slurped up Pansy in the most gruesome way one could possibly eat something (as if there was a limit to that).  
  
"Any more objections?" growled/giggled the mouse looking at the class as if it was daring them to speak. The class blankly stared, some of them shaking their heads violently. "Oh what the heck, I'll eat you anyways!" And with that, the mousy thing slurped half the Slytherins up, including Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy, left defenseless jumped into a secret closet in Snape's office that he..somehow-in ways too adult to explain here-knew where it was..  
  
The monstrous mouse sat down and leaned back in Snape's chair, putting up its feet.  
  
"Delicious" it growled, patting its stomach.  
  
"The first thing we're gonna do is begin to take notes on the poop potion's ingredients! Its purpose..ooh hoo hoo..unknown..mwhahahahahaaa!" the mousy thing squeaked as it fell onto the floor, rolling and laughing.. The class stared blankly. The mouse got back up. "If you get one thing wrong on this treasured potion," continued the mousy creature. "I will seriously punish you....hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.." chuckled the mouse in a disturbingly fat way, while rubbing its stomach.  
  
Out of sheer fear, the horrified students did their best to complete the complicated, revoltingly smelly, foul potion, but it was no use. The mousy monster would just purposely look for reasons to gobble students up at random. Finally, the bell rang, students started to pour out of the classroom, trying to escape the terribly hungry mouse.  
  
"Oh no you don't.." giggled the horrific mouse. "Before you leave, I wanted to introduce you to a few friends of mine.." the mouse grinned, revealing its revolting teeth. The mouse dramatically opened a trapdoor that just happened to be under his chair as 5 Hufflepuffs marched out of it. There was, leading the gang, none other but the crazed idiot, Hannah Abbot. She was grinning very evilly and behind her were Ernie McMillan, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchey, and one of whom Harry was sure he recognized as a younger-looking Cedric Diggory, back from the dead.  
  
Apparently, Hannah Abbot was a good friend of the mousy object and they shared a cup of tea with the rest of the Hufflepuffs as the rest of the class watched in horror. Finally, after 3 other students were eaten, the class was dismissed.  
  
DISCLAIMER: None, and I repeat, NONE of these characters belong to me. The crazed mouse belongs to my sister, Cindy Regnarg and I half-heartedly co- own the plot with her.  
  
A/A: (author's afterthought) Hope you enjoyed it..I started writing this to get over a writers block I had on "Another Harry Potter Musical". But it turned out so dang twisted that I said "hey this is so twisted that it doesn't belong on my documents! It belongs in fanfiction..so I did..cheer me on folks..I have pretty much the rest of the next chapter planned out but if u have any last minute ideas, please tell me and I'll hastily add them in..remember folks, the more twisted the better for this story! Well enjoy your time off until the next chapter..now that you're down reading, review! Go ahead, REVIEW!! 


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